True Confessions

It's one of those days where I need a little time to struggle and acknowledge my humanity for a while. I know you're thinking, "What in the world is she talking about??" Well, here's the deal. I'm stressed, depressed and wondering where in the world God is.

There, I said it. And it sounds even worse now that I've written it and it's staring back at me. But one of the best ways for me to get through it is to write about it. It helps me to get my perspective back.

God is silent and I don't know why. One day I will, but right now I don't.

I know it's not His will for His children to be in debt, and yet I am in debt up to my eyeballs and beyond because that's the only way I've been surviving the past few months. One day real soon I won't even be able to pay my credit card payment and then what?...

I know God is there. I know God is able. What I don't know is why He is closing every single door in my attempt to either find a job and/or get clients for my business. All 3 jobs I bid on this past week were awarded to someone else. I now have an opportunity to apply for a P/T Program Coordinator job for a local Child Abuse Prevention Agency. The hours would be perfect if my business were to get off the ground. The pay is a different story. It is extremely low (although the job does come with medical, vacation and sick leave). Apparently they will negotiate the pay depending on experience, so all I can do is interview and see how much higher they are willing to go. If the rate stayed the same, I would net only about $500/mo after taxes and childcare. But right now that's $500/mo more than I have.

On top of that, there was a potential buyer who looked at the house this afternoon. They loved the house, but said it's at the top of their range and they weren't sure if they could get financing. That wasn't surprising.... we know the house is a little overpriced out of necessity. Yet another potential buyer will be looking at the house tomorrow.

I look around and see God providing for others and am not sure where He is in my situation, or in Michael's situation. On Wednesday Michael received some very devastating financial news that was unfair and unjust, to say the least. We joke about getting monogrammed shopping carts and finding the best local bridge to sleep under. I just want to be able to get on here SOON and be able to tell you about the miracles God has done for each of us.

Here's the deal. I know my God is able. I know He loves us. I know anything less than full and complete trust in Him is a slap in the face. So right now, this very second, I am again putting aside my fears and my doubts and my depression and choosing to trust Him. I believe He is going to bring me an income and a way to support my family.

Michael is always such a wonderful encourager. In the midst of all of this he says: It's just money; we have our relationships with God, we have our relationship with each other, I am so blessed with my boys, we have friends and family, and we have chocolate.... so nothing else really matters!

I like his perspective.